Log in

B L O G D R A S S I L [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

Soulsavers - Revival [Jan. 23rd, 2017|01:32 pm]
LinkLeave a comment

黎明 - 雜念 [Jan. 18th, 2017|08:57 pm]
Yellow hair. Blue mood.  Remember this movie?  It was great.  I just love Leon Lai.  <3

LinkLeave a comment

Utter solemnity [Jan. 18th, 2017|05:35 pm]

(Seattle is cold in January.)
Link2 comments|Leave a comment

Ryan Adams - When The Stars Go Blue [Jan. 16th, 2017|11:37 pm]
Link1 comment|Leave a comment

Something old, something new, something from Amazon, something purple [Jan. 16th, 2017|10:53 am]
Like everyone of a certain vintage and stripe, I grew up on Jim Steinman, Bonnie Tyler and Meat Loaf. A decade before Old School turned it into a punchline, I'd lie in the backyard with my Walkman, staring at the stars, and let shooting stars and dreams of my future swirl around in my head to "Total Eclipse of the Heart". I knew my life would not take the usual course; I fell straight into the crack between Bitch magazine and Little House on the Prairie. I never had the Disney castle fantasy.

At the high point of my sluttiness, I decided I was ruined and would marry the first person who asked. Ruined! At 25! Can you imagine? But lo and behold, in 2003, I was asked by my favorite person in the world. It was raining and he was on one khaki knee outside of P.F. Chang's at the Spectrum, of all places. We stole a table beeper as a keepsake. I was so happy-- things were going to work out after all! Everything was great until we hit a rocky point...

Then he died. Terrible things happened to my family and I in the aftermath. I won't get into it here-- gods, I'm so sick of getting into it... let's just say that after that, I stopped saying I'd marry anyone who asked. I became detached and went on a long self-destructive binge. It's almost like I was trying to ruin myself.

How many years did I waste on denial, on trying to become Marriage Material? I wanted it all-- to make my family proud, to not be "the unstable one who's young for her age" for once in my life. I wanted a reception at the Five Crowns because it had been my dad's favorite restaurant. I wanted some other things, but over the years I simply forgot about most of them, and from the forgetfulness and laziness hatched something way better than what I imagined.

Why don't people focus more on marriage? There are eight billion wedding magazines but no marriage magazines. A wedding is one day. You're married forever.

It hatched gradually. When Zorro asked me to marry him in 2008, we didn't announce it. Why bother, when we weren't planning a wedding and that's all anyone seems to care about? When people asked us about the "Big Day" the joke has always been "When we both have a day off!". I'm actually not sure that's happened in the past eight years. We've become a punchline ourselves; Hell,we've introduced couples who have married and divorced in that time. Two even remarried! I keep thinking of the Arthur Hughes painting The Long Engagement, of the ivy growing over the girl's name (Amy) carved in the tree.

Back then, he bought me the delicate filigreed pavé ring I'd been admiring in the window at Nathan Allen at South Coast Plaza for years. It was a fortune for him at the time, and guilt overwhelmed me, but to this day it's the only piece of jewelry I wear with any regularity. I'll be wearing it more often, soon.

My family is at war with itself. What few friends I have left are mostly 1,000 miles away, or busy changing the world. At first we were going to the courthouse, but then my good friend Dom offered to officiate and two other friends wanted to witness. Dom lives in a neat building downtown that will allow us to use the garden for free.

You should marry the person who helped you get clean and sober, the person who barely breathed for hours in the waiting room, waiting to hear you were out of surgery, the person who makes you omelets in the morning, the person who helps you be the best person you've ever been, the person you never get bored of. You should marry the best friend you've ever had.

The wedding of Zorro and Lux will take place on January 28th, 2017, in a garden on a skyscraper, against a background of neon lights. I'll wear white, since I never do that and I have white-on-white 1460 Doc Marten Monos and a cheap veil from Amazon. Nobody's invited.

And yes, I have to do this. It is the right thing to do, and for once I want to do the right thing.

I don't know whose permission I was waiting for, but I never needed it.
Link4 comments|Leave a comment

Annette Funicello - When You Get What You Want [Jan. 13th, 2017|07:04 pm]
LinkLeave a comment

Washington: Some Things To Know [Dec. 12th, 2016|09:48 pm]

Big secret: the coffee's not that good.  It's okay, but you can get equally good coffee in any big city.

Not so secret: it snows occasionally.  Men wear coats and scarves; everyone covers their head.  All those beanies and boots I've collected over the years have come in handy!

Fun fact: the beaches here are rocky, with no sand; they are perfectly still and deathly cold.

Not a secret at all: a lot of tours skip Seattle.  There are a lot of very good local bands, but you may only get one chance to see them because turnover is so high, so if you stumble into a good set, stay put, enjoy it and commit it to memory.

It's weird to me that people nail themselves to the map and never even consider relocating.  They need to talk with the families of WWII veterans and get some perspective.

I used geography, but not the way a lot of addicts do.  I deliberately got sober IN California, where I'd been drinking heavily for 10+ years, because I wanted to clean up; I wanted people in my life to watch me transform and change their mind about me.

They didn't.

So the moment the opportunity presented itself, I left Los Angeles for Seattle.  I'm VERY alone here, but it's nice to be alone, far from reminders of perfectly good evenings I ruined and people who shunned and/or rejected me.  It's impossible to make friends here-- it's an unfriendly place, and I'm a 40-year-old woman in a committed relationship whose primary interests are books, music and singleplayer video games.  There are days when a cashier's rudeness reduces me to tears on my way home from a store, but most of the time I'm not really worried about becoming desocialized.  Maybe my previous set of operations was all wrong, and I'll come out of this with a new one.  I'm bound to accidentally make a friend or two eventually.

I've figured out how to cook a lot of awesome things, and I've done enough exercise and can now walk the hills without any serious problems.  I even did part of Discovery Park, braving a steep, wooded hike down to the "beach" at night.  I keep the apartment immaculately clean and have caught up on a lot of reading and handiwork projects.  (Remember the stuffed oversized Christmas star I was sewing when he died, back in 2003?  I finally finished the damn thing.)

We're making really good progress on that down payment.  I'm excited!

Maybe I'll start writing again after I finish this press release or this pile of books.  Or after I get a day job, after I've wrapped up this last client.  Or maybe never.  Would that be the end of the world?  It felt like everybody in my life wanted me gone, and now I am gone.  Would it be the end of the world if I just shut up and try to enjoy what's left of my life?

Link1 comment|Leave a comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]